HEALTHY BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS

Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

Setting healthy limits tells us what kind of behavior is okay in relationships and keeps everyone safe. And setting healthy limits is important for taking care of yourself and having good relationships.

Boundaries are different for each person because of their background, personality, and social situation. Limits that make sense in a business meeting wouldn't make sense in a bar with old friends! When we set limits, we make clear what we expect from ourselves and others in different types of interactions.

Being self-aware is needed to set healthy limits. We need to be clear about what we expect from each other and ourselves and what we don't like about certain situations. To set healthy limits, you need to be able to communicate clearly and with confidence.

Being assertive means being honest and polite about how you feel. You don't have to make requests, but people do have to listen to you. As a form of self-care, setting healthy boundaries means being clear about your wants and priorities.

Step 1: Be as clear and honest as you can in the first step. Do not shout.

Step 2: Be clear about what you want or need instead of whining about what you don't want or like.

Step 3: Accept any pain that comes up because of it, whether it's guilt, shame, or regret.

People who have trouble setting limits, dealing with codependency, or trying to please others often go through the third step.

Personal boundaries can come in many forms. However, not every relationship requires you to address every type of boundary. For example, you might need to set physical restrictions on a coworker but not financial ones.

Physical boundaries help keep you comfortable and safe, not just when you’re dealing with strangers, but also when you’re interacting with those closest to you. For example, you might tell someone that you’d prefer handshakes instead of hugs. Or you could tell a friend that you need to take a rest during a lengthy bike ride. If a physical space belongs to you, you can set limitations around that as well. Perhaps you don't want someone to intrude into your bedroom or clutter your office with their items.

Sexual boundaries could involve anything from asking for consent before being physically intimate to checking in with your partner’s comfort level during sex. Even if you’ve been with your partner for years, you should make an ongoing habit of communicating your preferences. You might want to reassess limitations and expectations surrounding things like frequency of sex and contraception use.

Emotional boundaries ensure that others are respectful of your emotional well- being and internal comfort level. When setting an emotional boundary, you might say something like, “I don't want to talk about this subject while I'm at work because I need to focus.” You might also use these barriers to prevent yourself from feeling overwhelmed by other people’s feelings. For example, you can acknowledge you’re not responsible for how another person reacts to your decision to turn them down for a second date.

Material/financial boundaries extend to your belongings, such as money, clothing, car, or home. If you’re a charitable person, you might have a hard time saying “no” to people who want to borrow items. However, people may intentionally or unintentionally take advantage of your goodwill, and then you may notice your own resentment building. When setting a material restriction, you might say something like, “You can borrow my phone charger, but please put it back when you’re done” or “No, I can’t loan you money for new shoes.”

Time boundaries allow you to focus on your priorities at work and in your personal life without feeling crowded by other people’s needs and wants. Imagine that you’ve had a stressful work week and want to spend the weekend recuperating. You might decline a party invite or set a limit on how long you’ll be there. Other time-related restrictions could include asking a friend to avoid calling you during work hours or asking a partner to delay an important conversation until a more convenient time.

Shifting boundaries

Boundaries aren’t etched in stone. You’ll need to adjust them as circumstances change and relationships grow. This can be especially true in long-term relationships. Communication is important as you reevaluate and revise your boundaries. You want the other person to be clear on the change and its reason. Our partner understands that your goals and dreams might not always match up with theirs.

Examples of shifting boundaries

Initial boundary	New Boundary
You initially have loose financial boundaries with family members and help them pay bills when necessary.	You lost your job, so you decide to set tighter boundaries to protect your financial well-being.
You often agree to work extra weekend hours to help a coworker.	You cut back on hours so you can spend more time with your newborn.
You allow a friend to vent their emotions to you daily.	The oversharing of information affects your mental health, so you set a limit on how often you talk about the subject.
You and your partner have sex multiple times a week.	Your sex drive changes, and you ask your partner if the two of you can focus on different forms of intimacy.
You allow your brother-in-law to temporarily use your garage for storage.	You need the space for your own needs, so you talk to him about relocating his items.

Unhealthy boundaries

Unhealthy boundaries often tend to be either too rigid or too porous. Healthy ones fall somewhere between these two extremes.

Rigid boundaries keep other people at a distance, even loved ones. Maybe you refuse to talk about your emotions with your partner or rarely set aside time to meet with friends. Porous or weak boundaries develop when you have a hard time saying “no” to others. For example, you might be too willing to take on all the responsibilities in a relationship. Or maybe you tend to overshare when talking with strangers.

Setting healthy boundaries is an essential life skill and an important self-care practice. Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships.

While someone not used to setting boundaries might feel guilty or selfish when they first start, setting boundaries is necessary for mental health and well-being.

Appropriate boundaries can look very different depending on the setting, but it’s important to set them in all areas of life where we interact with others.

Finally, while setting boundaries is crucial, it is just as important to respect others’ boundaries, including parents, children, romantic partners, managers, coworkers, and anyone else we interact with.

 

Reference: Positive Psychology, Helpguide.org.